Welcome Home...Now Go Away.

The welcome home banners have been stored, the yellow ribbons put in the garage. A years’ worth of memories have been shared, the photo albums put away. We’ve remembered how to cook full dinners and share the remote. The lawn has been mowed. Everything I broke has been repaired. So now what?
It almost feels like our lives are back to normal, except for one thing. The husbands are sort of just hanging around. Aren’t they supposed to go back to work or something? I know they pretend to go to work, but PT in the morning and home the rest of the day just isn’t enough for me.
I love having my husband home safely, I really do. I’m just ready for some normal. I had quite a nice routine when he was away, and it didn’t involve finding ways to entertain him all day.
My house has turned into the lost dog shelter. Every time I turn around I trip over my 6 ft, 200 pound personal puppy dog.
For 12 months my husbands’ life ran non stop. No days off, no relaxing. Suddenly he’s back home with absolutely nothing to do. Wait, let me rephrase that. Now he’s back home making up things to do. Yep. Making things up. My linen closet has been reorganized, not that it needed it. My car gets washed every day. I’m not sure how I manage to get it dirty driving to the gym and home, but apparently it requires daily vacuuming. I have pity for any weed that thinks about growing in my yard. My husband maps out his maneuver, gets into stealth mode and sneaks up on the enemy. The enemy being the stray dandelion in my back yard. He will, under oath, deny the next statement, sadly, he’ll be lying. The man waxed the lawnmower. He waxed it. I have the cleanest, shiniest lawnmower on my block. I would think my husband was crazy, except I saw the man across the street polishing the trampoline.
I have to believe I’m not the only woman having trouble adjusting to Operation I’m So Bored. I’m one more "war story" away from going AWOL. In the past month I have both hosted and attended countless Welcome Home Barbeques. Picture 15 bored husbands and 15 frazzled wives. Add beer and food. The testosterone levels alone made me want to buy a corvette. I can’t even drive a stick. Throughout all of these parties the running theme in the kitchen is always "My husband is making me crazy, I wish he’d go back to work" Different husbands, different wives, same complaint. He’s just too "around". I may have heard this incorrectly, but I swear one woman mentioned something about hiring her husband a girlfriend. just to keep him occupied.
I understand the retired husband/insane wife syndrome so much more clearly now. When husbands retire their days become empty and somewhat meaningless, while ours stay the same. Too much togetherness is never a good thing. We rush the kids off to school and still have the husband underfoot. I’d like to pay the bills, do the laundry, clean my bathroom and start dinner without being interrupted 10 times to hear "Whatcha doin?" When I see a woman grocery shopping with her husband in tow, I want to reach out, hug her and tell her that I too would like to hit mine over the head with a sack of potatoes.
I’m grateful to have my husband home, and eventually he’ll head back to work. Life will return to some kind of normal. In a few months I’ll be begging for a 4 day weekend so we can spend time together. Right now though I’m still trying to find excuses to get him out of the house. When it comes down to it, I’m thankful my biggest complaint is that he is paying me too much attention.
The neighbor just called to tell me my husband is outside getting ready to wax our 3 year old, so I’d better get out there. When the going gets tough and the urge to thwap your man in the head arises, remind yourself how good it is to have his head where you can reach it.